Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Namaste
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”