weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Challenge accepted.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job