confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
You Might Also Like
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!