My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Netflix and scream at our children?!
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners