[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
You Might Also Like
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.