[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions