Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”