[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Not😆🤣
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*has no idea what a book even is*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”