I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?