[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.