When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
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The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
This kinda thing happens to me often
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?