Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Fiction has to make sense.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.