where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.