Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
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[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.