Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Erm I’m gonna say no
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now