Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.