*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
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T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.