[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.