Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
You Might Also Like
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words