i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Self-cleaning conscience
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour