Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Brands during Pride
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.