[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys