before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
fr
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
same energy
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb