According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.