OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.