5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: