Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
S O O N
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I would move hell over six inches for you
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.