Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are