5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
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Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.