Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3