Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.