If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My dress code is business-casualty.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My favorite female superhero
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Print is alive and well!!!
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.