The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My plans: 2020:
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.