Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
opening twitter today
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.