Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.