coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The old gods are rising again.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.