Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
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I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Crying is a sign of leakness.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Stonehinge
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there