Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
The opposite of goth is stopth.