someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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Finally
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure