Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.