People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
A short story about romance.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I’m good, thanks.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.