Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple