My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
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coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Somebody call the cops.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.