Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
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My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
*orders delivery*
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I have a type: disappointing
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
where the womens at?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.