I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?