In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.