Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”