[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
You Might Also Like
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?