the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.