WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
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Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
No Google it does not
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.